Self Examination
the post I didn't intend to post.
I tend to self edit all too often. My hope is to get through this post as vulnerable and unediting of myself as possible. See even right there, I’m tempted to click back and rewrite that because I’m wondering is that proper grammar? Well, oh well, if it isn’t!
This past week has been one of freedom and seeing God’s hand so faithfully on my life that writing this to you just feels right. As I figure out what it is He has truly called me to do with my life, I am simply just reciprocating the faithfulness by giving my all to what’s been given to me. I’ve been dealing a lot with (in my own head), ‘What Makes You You?”, “Who Am I?”, and “What Is My Mission?”. I woke up with an added boost of energy this morning, yet snuggle down to write this so as to be faithfully checking in here, with my blog, my first outlet of where I learned what it means to use my voice. I feel like I need to clarify exactly who I am, what I intend to do this year, and the next. Instagram’s squares can only tell you so much about a person, Facebook can only update you so many times with what is new in my life. But even these, don’t represent me entirely. Those are great, and I love connecting with people through them but sometimes there’s an unrealistic illusion that I have it all together. And that couldn’t be further from the truth. I’m jumping over this hurtle of not feeling comfortable with the spotlight on me, but I feel like once in a while couldn’t hurt.
So here I am, in this really _____ phase of my life, leaving that blank because the word is failing me right now. It’s a phase where I am getting my feet wet in numerous different areas, and learning new skills in them all, and tweaking them as I mess up and remembering what NOT to do. I am a substitute teacher during the week (and no, I did not go to school to become a teacher. My degree is in Fashion Merchandising so I am a little off the beaten path. However, I do see the good which came from my FM classes, it was in one of them that I began writing on this blog.) So I have no training in teaching, yet I’m teaching, sound scary? It has been, yet God’s grace has completely covered me. It’s the jobs I take that are out of my comfort zone which have brought the most blessing. People often ask, “So does that mean you want to be a teacher?” I really don’t know. Possibly one day. Yet possibly one day I also want to be a lifestyle/wedding photographer. And it truly wasn’t until this morning that I had that confirmed. I have been playing around with the idea, and wondering “Okay, well if not a teacher do you really want to go fully into the photography business?” I am teetering between two very big, two very different career paths. But I hear the Voice I’ve come to know so well and that I love and rely on say, “You can do both.” I came across this lovely photography site and the photos inspired me so much so that I knew in my heart, that’s what I have to aim for. Albeit I need a lot more experience before I attach my name to ‘Wedding Photographer’ but my heart is filled with gratitude this morning looking at the year ahead, and the opportunities I have lined up in order to grow that wedding photography portfolio of mine. So what if I need a new camera, a new lens, a brand, and website? I know that as I continue in these steps of faith that all those minor details will fall perfectly in order when they are meant to. This is a year of growth, stretching, and I see next year as my year. A year to launch, fly, soar.
And wait, one more thing which makes me me. I love to read, and write. I see this new vision formulating, as one of my other big dreams is to write a book. What was holding my thoughts captive for so long I realized last week was that yes, while writing from my point of view is fine I feel like I need to write for something bigger than me. I need to write for someone who doesn’t have a voice, who doesn't have the platform to launch, fly and soar. I want to be thinking from her perspective, and yes the divinely inspired vision is writing for a real woman, with a real story, putting myself in her shoes.
So to answer my question, ‘Who Am I?’ I am a girl following the divine promptings placed on my heart, learning life through the lives of the students surrounding me, the professionals willing to show me the ropes, and from the books I sink into day in and day out. And aren’t you proud of me? I think I only went back once and corrected a few spelling errors, maybe twice. Add that to the list, a girl who self edits entirely too much but is cutting that chain as I hit the ‘Publish’ button without too much thought. And it feels like me, in all of my perfected imperfection.
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